to those that wear their heart on their sleeve ...like me

i am constantly amazed at the things people will say to me through the internet. most of their thoughts are so personal and heartfelt that i feel honored to be a part of their lives and see a window of their journey. i wish i had more time to devote to my blog readers. i could just email with y'all all the live long day.

there are times when i get some downright nasty stuff too. adoption is a delicate issue. everyone has hurt and everyone's toes get stepped on.

recently, (not through blogging) i was personally attacked for not understanding loss, rejection and sorrow. i shrugged the comment off, knowing that the person didn't really know me or what i have gone through in my life and kept reading her message to me.

then she told me, "perhaps if you had experienced the loss of a child in this horrendous way you instead of benefiting from another mother's loss, you might be a bit more sensitive..."

that on top of the stress of this week (only 10 more days to wait for an appeal), just set me over the edge. i sobbed. i called muse--who could barely understand me as i read what this woman said. she was headed to a lunch appointment and turned around to come and grab me.

muse walked in the door and gave me the hugest hug. i sobbed and sobbed like i was 4 years old and let her hold me.

"i am not a baby stealer, leisha. i really am not. our boys' birth moms chose me."

did i overreact? probably. was this the compilation of a year and a half of stress? totally. but still ...those are mean words, right? i understand i am being a baby ...but not a total baby, right?

my heart has been heavy all day thinking about this comment. the sad thing is that she was talking about not receiving the prize of a contest that i had no part of and didn't promote and didn't know about and didn't have a clue what she was talking about.

the heaviness of it... sigh. i can't shake it.

i wonder ...why do there have to be sides? why does it sometimes feel like adoptive couples against birth parents or birth parents against adoptive couples or adoptees against adoptive couples in some of these online adoption arenas? it seems so odd to me because it's not my experience. granted, things have not been ideal with gavin's birth father and he may call me a baby stealer, and yes, we are against him in court, but i don't hate him. (tried ...doesn't work.) i see his best parts in gavin and it forces me to love him. would i have a picture and letter kind of open relationship with him right now? yes, i would. i believe that strongly in open adoption.

but still ...the fighting. i can't wrap my mind around it.

i understand that i see the adoption world through rose colored glasses because our birth mothers have been incredible ambassadors of grace, selflessness and love. i see them as heroes and i hope i have the kind of relationship with them where they can express the desires of their hearts to me and me to them. we communicate and that's why i think it works.

but, the truth is ...i did benefit from their loss. i wish so much hurt wasn't involved in adoption, but the root of it is loss--whether it be infertility, placing a child for adoption or not knowing or being raised by your bloodlines.

i can accept that (and feel guilty about it from time to time), but it's hard to have it thrown in your face. it's hard for someone to use something as sacred and revered as nicole and joniece placing their darlings with us as a kind of slam--used with the intention of hurting me and making me feel badly. which it did.

don't use by birth families against me. they are my family.

i am not intimidated by my kids' birth families. we adore them. they each have a unique connection to gavin and tyson that mr. r and i will never have. i embrace that difference because i think it adds richness to the lives of my children. i think it adds depth to their identity, power to their story and strength to their adoptions. it gives them unshakable roots.

i wonder if these words are even making sense at this point. it's hard to express it seems.

i am often baffled at how quickly we are to judge one another in the adoption world--and to make assumptions. why do we do this? i do it. you do it. it's so hurtful.

no one likes to be judged.

and at the end of the day, this lady really doesn't know the loss, hurt and rejection i have experienced in my little world. i am not saying that my hurt us any more painful than hers, i am just saying ...she doesn't know me.

darn it.
i wish i wasn't so freaking sensitive. that stupid heart i wear on my sleeve ...it gets beat up a lot. but it looks great with all its fancy bandages and band-aids, right?

nia vardalos on fox news

bless her.
dispelling myths.
contagious energy.
goosebumps.
normalcy.
scars from infertility.
real.

i love adoption.
i love adoption advocacy.


here's another great article by nia from the huffington post.

new moon

so wish i had tickets for the midnight showing.
so, so wish.

after reading the series, i am an edward fan ...but let's discuss the attractiveness of jacob in the movies (with short hair of course). honestly.

ashley's scentsy giveaway WINNER!

congrats to corinne.
she is the winner of ashley's scentsy giveaway.

celebrate with her!
not only about her win here, but also because after 7 years ...she is finally expecting.

xoxox

a note from ashley:

Order Promo: free shipping. – NOT loaded into website. Need to email order to ashley_n_raines@yahoo.com for sale. Payment can be made thru Paypal. Half of commissions for parties booked from giveaway goes to the sparkling Redferns :)

love her.

she adds:

Holiday Warmers are available in Full Size or Plug Ins. Hostesses for parties in November and December will receive a free holiday plug in warmer and a Scentsy three pack.

dr. phil

a couple weeks ago, my friend frantically messaged me on facebook. "call me ASAP," she said. sensing her urgency (don't you feel like capital letters are the equivalent to yelling?) i call her. she explains to me that one of the dr. phil's show's producers (ironically named phil also) just called her to see if she would come on the show and be interviewed about contested adoption.

unfortunately, she had to sign something like a gag order and talking about adoption is not an option for her family. she called me, gave me phil's number and then called phil to tell him i would be calling.

i called and was interviewed by phil for about an hour. i was feeling good about it until he said, "if you could call the birth father and ask him if he would be willing to be on the show also, that would be great."

i was annoyed. did he not listen to anything i had just said? we were not in communication with the birth father outside of court and legal documents.

"no, i absolutely will not."

"well, if you could give me his phone number that would be great."

"no, i won't do that either."

"well, then you should email him and ask him if he is interested."

"nope. i am not emailing him. you can only have the f-word directed at you so many times..."

"well, why don't you give me his attorney's name and number and i can get in contact that way."

"i will ask my attorney what he thinks about that."

"well, talk to your husband and joniece and see if they are willing to be on the show. i will see if i can get in contact with the birth father."

at this point, i am about to lose it with this guy.

"hey phil ...let me tell you what i am not interested in being a part of, is that okay?"

"...okay..."

"i am not interested in being part of a show that casts a negative light on adoption. that's my family. those are my kids we are talking about! i am not interested in being part of a show where you bring the birth father on to have a cat fight over a little boy that the birth father has never once asked about. if that's where you are going with this ...i am not interested."

"well, lindsey, as genuine as your story sounds, there are two sides to every story. i have an ethical responsibility to find out the other side."

ethics, my foot. they just want to sensationalize the whole thing. train wrecks make for great tv, right? and i am so not interested in hearing what the birth father has to say. i feel like i heard more than enough at the deposition and on trial day ...not to mention the fit of rage when the verdict was announced.

"i understand that, phil. i am just telling you what i will not be a part of."

he encouraged me again to talk to mr. r and joniece and told me he would be in touch.

i hung up the phone and got a bad, bad, bad feeling. i spoke with larry (my attorney), my parents, mr. r and joniece and we all got the same bad feeling.

phil has left a few messages on my phone (which i may keep as a self-esteem booster. lol.), but ultimately he got the hint and moved on.

i have come to learn that four of larry's adoptive couple clients were contacted to be on the show. i know 3 of the 4 couples. two of them are dear friends and must remain anonymous to the internet as a whole.

last week, while i was chatting with one of these contested adoption friends, i got the feeling that i should email larry and ask him to call phil and tell him that he has not been given permission to mention me, my family, gavin, his birth parents or our case on the show.

larry agreed that it was a good idea.

the next morning he emailed me and said, "you are off the hook, but they did ask me to come on the show and represent some balance to the birth fathers' gripes." he explained that he was torn about it on a few different levels and asked for our thoughts.

i told him he should do it. he would be perfect for it.

soon it was all arranged.

yesterday morning, i went to his office to deliver a poem written by another one of his clients (and a dear friend) and the pictured "good luck charm" to keep in his pocket (sterling silver hand stamped disc from r shop). he got on an airplane for LA an hour later.

the taping was today.

i am dying to know how it went!

i don't know when it will air, but i will let you know as soon as i find out.

thinking of you today, larry. good luck! thank you for representing families like mine.


yesterday at his office larry joked, "what i thought was going to be a simple phone call saying the redferns were not interested turned into this..."

sorry about that, larry.
but, thanks for being brave.

...and the saga continues

yesterday was the last day that the birth father had to appeal.

but, as luck would have it, the birth father's attorney dropped him a couple of weeks ago (we don't think he was getting paid) and the rules state that the birth father gets an additional 20 days to find a new attorney ...and therefore, appeal. boo. the new last day for him to appeal is the 30th. you better believe i will be at the courthouse on december 1st making the clerk do a little research for me.

when we learned that the birth father would get an additional 3 weeks to appeal, you can imagine the heartache and the frustration. to be honest, it has lingered for the last few weeks with both mr. r and me.

i asked my attorney, "okay, level with me, do i have to cancel gavin's sealing scheduled for november 25th?"

panic. panic. panic.

there was some hesitation and then he said, "yeah, you better." man, i am sure he did not want to answer that question, but i appreciate him being so honest with me. that's why he is the best.

i sobbed as i sent out a mass text to our family and friends saying, "the sealing is off. i can't talk about it right now so please don't call me and don't talk to anyone else about it, i haven't been able to get a hold of josh."

something weird was happening with our phones that day and mr. r and my phone calls weren't going through to each other. i finally called his office and asked them to leave him a message to call home when he had a moment. the next thing i knew, the garage door was opening and mr. r was home for an hour or two.

he must have felt something was wrong.

we exchanged this look of "darnit" and then somehow all 4 of us were in the car and headed to the dunford doughnut bakery. i don't know how that happened ...other than it was my idea. lol. mr. r hands me his credit card and says, "go crazy."

there is something about seeing your kiddies in their car seats with chocolate all over their hands and faces enjoying a treat that makes everything alright ...even an indefinitely postponed sealing.

that conversation happened a few weeks ago ...and i just barely got the courage to call the temple and cancel our sealing this morning. my mom reminded me to do this on several occasions, it's not that i forgot, it's just hard, you know? she even offered, "do you want me to do it?" (she's such a good mommy.)

"no, i can handle it." and i did handle it.

on sunday, tyson came home from nursery wearing this necklace that said, "my family can be together forever." tears welled up in my eyes. i squeezed him and said, "i hope so, buddy. i hope they can soon."

13 more days.

my little hallowieners

we halloweened it up.

matching monday

a special "thank you" to all of those involved in getting approvals to feature children. it would take forever to do it without you.

want to help?
check out this post to see our progress
and
this one to see what you can do to help.

for those that will be featuring utah children....please email brenda at {cutefamilyof5 at gmail dot com.} she needs to get a list to the Utah Adoption Exchange. they have been very supportive--they just want to see where the children are being featured.

thanks for all you do to advocate adoption.
xoxox

Oregon
James, Levi & Hannah ages 5, 4 & 1.
James, Levi, and Hannah are a beautiful sibling group who present with a combination of both many strengths and challenges. While Levi currently lives in a separate foster home, James and Hannah are placed together. These are very lovable children who are all looking for a very special family to call their own.

Wisconsin

Marcus & Hakeem ages 8 & 9. Marcus is an engaging and affectionate child with a charming smile. He enjoys spending his time playing video games, coloring, and swimming. He is very active and loves to play football and basketball. Just as any growing boy, Marcus loves to eat! His favorite foods include pizza, noodles, french fries, chicken nuggets, corn, and peanut butter/jelly sandwiches. Marcus says he dislikes chicken. Hakeem is a handsome young man with a pleasant personality. He is described as a hard worker and perfectionist. Like his brother, Hakeem enjoys video games, coloring, and playing basketball. Hakeem also loves to draw and dance. His favorite foods include chicken, pizza, pasta, and corn. Like a lot of children, he dislikes vegetables.

Alabama
Freddie age 14.
Freddie, born September 1995, is a creative child who likes to draw, write rap songs and read. He enjoys watching basketball and other sports. Some of his favorite foods are ribs and root beer floats. He has a smile that will warm your heart and a good sense of humor.

Utah
Nicholas age 12.
Meet Nicholas (who likes to be called “Nick”), a very active and energetic boy with a wide variety of interests. Nick enjoys being outdoors, hiking, and swimming. Born with a very creative gene, Nick is bound to make something interesting and unique with LEGOs or K’NEX. Like many boys his age, Nick loves to play video games. Learning about animals and bugs often keeps him entertained.